Feelin' Good.

I am happy to discover that happiness can also taste like apple dumplings, or feel like clean biting air, or smell like wet grass, or look like stars. I am happy to learn that a well placed, "I love you," can ease my fear of those very words.

I am happy to study until my brain hurts, grumbling about eye structure as he grumbles about chemical structure, and I'm even happier when, twenty minutes later, clothing joins the abandoned note cards on the floor and, thirty minutes later, we're studying again, only naked and smiling.

I suppose I should back up and explain: Three months ago, before any of the romantic letter affections began with McAsshole, when I was still avidly avoiding relationships, I stumbled into Zagref at a potluck. I made it clear I was avoiding relationships, and we set a break up date for August 8th. Shortly thereafter, long distance affection based on a single memory and "logic" began with McAsshole. Zagref and I "ended" on the 8th, but failed miserably at being platonic. After what I have lovingly renamed "my two days of personal hell," with McAsshole, I drove over to Zagref's house and cried against him as he, probably quite confused, held me.

And, I'm an idiot, and failed to notice that I was so caught up in trying to use "logic" that I'd missed the simple fact that Zagref takes away my breath, in the best of ways, and is an incredible person. I think I fell in love because I was trying so hard not to, and I stumbled into a relationship because we started without the heavy expectations relationships often carry.

I'm loving with my eyes wide open. And I am so happy.

Monogamy

The practice of having sex with only one partner.
www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/sexual-health-glossary

A closed two person hetro relationship, may be the result of an informed mutual agreement or from not understanding that there are viable options.
www.familysynergy.org/art-poly.html

Definition: A private sexual relationship stuck between two individuals.
www.sextermsdictionary.com/m-sexual-terms-and-definitions.htm

The mating of one person with another individual with neither engaging in sexual activity with anyone else.
www.sexualcounselling.com/Glossary/Glossarym.htm



... The question is, what exactly does it mean to me? More importantly, does it matter to me? And how do I negotiate boundaries if I choose a lifestyle outside of this social norm?

The truth is, I don't think I like monogamy, or think that it's natural, or healthy sometimes. There's a difference between being scared of something, and simply disagreeing with something on principal. I'm scared of monogamy because I don't think I'll be happy with it.

My first try at a triad relationship several years ago was a terrible mistake. I'm scared that my opinions and lifestyle will ultimately lead to the fall of a relationship I want so badly to make work.

So long, Mr. Perfect

It was real, it was fun, and now you're on your way home.

There's safety in emotion when you know it couldn't be real, when the object of your affections lives across the country, or loves another person, or, even better, both.

Still hurts a twitch, though.

Love is a scam, concocted by poets, executed by actors, and experienced by willing flocks of hungry humans, who have forgotten the joy of living dangerously. Wouldn't it be beautiful if love stories were nonfiction? Sadly, they are not.