Feelin' Good.

I am happy to discover that happiness can also taste like apple dumplings, or feel like clean biting air, or smell like wet grass, or look like stars. I am happy to learn that a well placed, "I love you," can ease my fear of those very words.

I am happy to study until my brain hurts, grumbling about eye structure as he grumbles about chemical structure, and I'm even happier when, twenty minutes later, clothing joins the abandoned note cards on the floor and, thirty minutes later, we're studying again, only naked and smiling.

I suppose I should back up and explain: Three months ago, before any of the romantic letter affections began with McAsshole, when I was still avidly avoiding relationships, I stumbled into Zagref at a potluck. I made it clear I was avoiding relationships, and we set a break up date for August 8th. Shortly thereafter, long distance affection based on a single memory and "logic" began with McAsshole. Zagref and I "ended" on the 8th, but failed miserably at being platonic. After what I have lovingly renamed "my two days of personal hell," with McAsshole, I drove over to Zagref's house and cried against him as he, probably quite confused, held me.

And, I'm an idiot, and failed to notice that I was so caught up in trying to use "logic" that I'd missed the simple fact that Zagref takes away my breath, in the best of ways, and is an incredible person. I think I fell in love because I was trying so hard not to, and I stumbled into a relationship because we started without the heavy expectations relationships often carry.

I'm loving with my eyes wide open. And I am so happy.

Weather

Holy crap, it's beautiful outside.

I am going to study in the park. Yeah.

MomQuotes: On Discussing Religion

"Why do people bother talking about what they believe? It's much more interesting to compare religions and demonstrate knowledge about them. Talking about what you believe is like talking about what kind of deodorant you like the best, nobody cares about your B.O. 'Oh, yes, I prefer Charmin ultra-soft toilet paper over Scott tissue!', who cares? It's exquisitely dull! We should discuss how brands of toilet tissue are different! Or have a political debate about social security benefits."

And this is why I love my mother.

MomQuotes: On Desert Survival

Me: Mom, I'm going to the desert. What should I bring?

Mom: [looking up from her book on existentialism] Something everybody can enjoy.

Me: Such as?

Mom: A whoopee cushion. Or a guitar. And sing a song together.

Me: Oh...?

Mom: Or a beast of burden, of any species. Perhaps a small child, or a woman with a basket on her head. Or a small mule, the woman with the basket on her head is a statue.

Me: Oh yes, mom, that's a good idea...?

Mom: Or a nose hair trimmer. And whiskey, to sterilize it. Yes. Or that guy, the one from your class. I have to go rescue your brother from your brother.

Me: .......?

Class today

I am having a terrible day. There are several things that feed into this, a combination of the general bad mood that has haunted me for the past week, old memories coming back over the weekend, general stupidity on my part, and confusion over the state of a valued friendship. So yes, today mostly sucked.

It was tobacco policy day in my outreach class, and ironically, all I wanted to do all day was smoke cigarettes. I always think my level of sober nicotine intake is highly linked to how moody I am, and days like today, I just want to sit, drink coffee, and chain smoke while wallowing. Anyways. That's where I am.

In class I was desperately trying to follow my planned outline, but kept losing track of things. I was visibly flustered, and I knew my students knew. So I apologized, saying I felt "scatterbrained" and that I was a little stressed. They all understood, and compliments of our rappor built steadily over the semester, the period went smooth enough.

After class, a student stayed behind to talk to me about some issues for next semester. We finished talking, and he asked "How are you?" in that serious caring voice, the kind that carries the undertone of "are you okay?" I gaped for a second- I honestly was so struck by this pointed question that I was about ready to fall over and start crying. I confessed a stressful semester, but said I was overall fine. He offered to be a sounding board, a very gracious offer that I politely declined for obvious reasons.

But that was a very touching moment, that expression of caring. I appreciated it.