Emo

I feel like life comes in little spurts of crazy. As a result, I've lost grip of just how stressed out I am, I seem to have two states of being:

Mellow: It's all gravy, it'll all work out, I'm happy, my life is moving forward, I will soon have the chance to pursue all my dreams, I have such a strong network of friends, I have a happy and healthy relationship, I just cooked some delicious chili.

Crazy: Holy shit, I'm graduating and have no idea what I'm doing with my life, my parents live in Sweden and never reply to my emails, I'm going to end up homeless with a piece of paper from U of M that says I know something, all my friends are moving and I probably will be as well, my personal spiritual practice is in shambles, I don't have enough hours in the day.

Most importantly, I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall repeatedly whenever I try to get schoolwork done. My therapist calls this 'burnout,' aka 'senioritis.'

Right now, I'm writing in my blog instead of working on Greek and Psych. And I spent all day working (unsuccessfully) on my Curriculum Vitae and Statement of Purpose, to avoid Greek and Psych.

I am living in a paradox of happy and calm and crazed and stressed and a whirlwind of changes... Is this how everybody feels when they realize that they're going to graduate soon?



PS I failed to mention that TFA rejected me. I don't really want to talk about it. Jerks.

I love my dad, I really do... arg

[on fertility]
Dad: How old are you now?
Me: 22.
Dad: You have eight more years.
Me: What?
Dad: Until your fertility and egg quality declines, and you have a higher risk of having a child with a disability. Like your brother.
Me: ... Thanks, dad.

[on men]
Me: Good news dad, I have a boyfriend.
Dad: Does he have a PhD?
Me: No.
Dad: Dump him.

[on my desired career path]
Dad: What? Why do you want to study queers? Are you a queer? Do you like bondage?
Me: What? No! No I only like vanilla sex with men!

[more on my career path]
Dad: You should learn how to fix queers, if you want to study sex.
Me: Dad, I'll forgive you for that insensitive comment, because you are a product of your environment and the prevailing cultural attitudes.

[on weight gain]
Me: I think I'm getting fat. Dad, am I fat?
Dad: Yes.




.... I do love my father, I really do, but sometimes I want to strangle him.

My life this week

Consists of...

8am wakeups
too much coffee
emblazoned mental images of my handwriting on index cards
zombie like stares into nothingness in between study bouts
a diet consisting of peanuts and chicken tenders
forcing myself to meditate daily
speaking greek when I'm supposed to be speaking english, and vice versa
power naps

.... And strangely, this organized chaos is kind of comforting and nice, if only for a very short while. More than two weeks like this, I'd go mad.