I hate this time of year

I love the spring, I love the sun, I love the fact that I can sit outside without freezing my arms off, and I love being able to walk and run again.

I hate finals, yes, and I hate the fact that every February/March, I am plagued with mysterious illness, depression, headaches, stomach aches, and my libido dies.

I finally did the math this year, in the doctors office as she noted on my charts, and realized that oh, yes, it was February that I was raped, and March that I terminated. How silly of me to forget the months, and displace them into November for some unknown reason. Every year for the past 7, I have been in and out of doctors offices around this time for the same set of concerns. I've missed classes, feared that I have ulcers, worried about the health of my brain as dizziness plagues me, and wondered if I'll ever feel happy again as the sun starts to shine and my spirit plummets.

I am strengthened by this realization of this association. Spring is coming.

Life direction: rambling

I am slowly becoming aware of a growing reality for myself: I am developing an identity, a path.

I've spent the past several years feeling like play-dough: mushy, easily shaped and formed, not really with a definite form. The analogy in The Golden Compass of a child having a flexible and ever changing Daemon, and then as they grow older, it choosing to take shapes for longer, and longer, until it finally fixes on something is very appropriate. I've been shifting, never very sure where my feet are, but satisfied with the sensation of cruising along as I figure myself out.

I'm realizing now that there are definite formative traits to myself, things that I don't feel will easily change, and that I identify with every day, no matter what my mood or situation may be:

: I am a witch
: I am a survivor
: I am sensual
: Sex is lifeforce
: I am a preistess
: I connect to God by dancing

I am right now tangling with 14 scholarly articles about masculinity, gender roles, and the effect of a cultural environment on disclosure rates of male childhood sexual assault survivors. I enjoy these articles, despite the rather depressing topic, because I enjoy the growing sense of empathy, and here I am, writing a paper for a class about a topic I am passionate about in all aspects of my life: nurturing healthy sexuality. My world as a priestess and my world as a student are directly overlapping, and I couldn't be happier.

I feel that two very clear, very potent directions for my life energy are forming:
- As a priestess, a witch
- As a therapist, a guide
It is thrilling to feel a sense of direction, but terrifying to figure out if I have to choose between them, or if I can somehow incorporate both of my passions and do everything I want to do with my life.



... I think a lot of this is coming from the musings about what I'm going to do in a year, when I graduate. This seems a very healthy, growth-oriented train of thought. Back to paper writing!