Bonds of God-fire and of Need

For our lammas ritual today, we explored the Red God, the edge walker, the wielder of the blade that cuts our bindings, limits our expansion, brings our death. In circle, we tied all twenty of us together with twine, stretching against one another as we expanded and grew, finding our edges. And we cut away those bonds.

While many of the bonds I choose to cut away are somewhat private demons, I have many I chose to keep, and swore to do so in sacred space, and now in a more public domain:

- Bonds of affection and loyalty to my friends and family
- Bonds of honesty at all times
- Bonds to do what's right, even if it's not easy
- Bonds to my education
- Bonds to maintain good posture and speak clearly and loudly
- Bonds to make something of my life
- Bonds to improve the lives of my survivor sisters
- Bonds to my faith

"And you know for a million years, he has been your lover,"

I went to bed with a smile on my lips last night, for.. well, for a particular reason, but one I'm not quite ready to blog about.

I dreamed all night of goat hooved pan, and woke up with his woody scent on my pillows again. I cast aside my original morning plans, and spent two hours alternating between dancing, meditating, and writing poetry.

Today will be a good day, I think.

I hate this time of year

I love the spring, I love the sun, I love the fact that I can sit outside without freezing my arms off, and I love being able to walk and run again.

I hate finals, yes, and I hate the fact that every February/March, I am plagued with mysterious illness, depression, headaches, stomach aches, and my libido dies.

I finally did the math this year, in the doctors office as she noted on my charts, and realized that oh, yes, it was February that I was raped, and March that I terminated. How silly of me to forget the months, and displace them into November for some unknown reason. Every year for the past 7, I have been in and out of doctors offices around this time for the same set of concerns. I've missed classes, feared that I have ulcers, worried about the health of my brain as dizziness plagues me, and wondered if I'll ever feel happy again as the sun starts to shine and my spirit plummets.

I am strengthened by this realization of this association. Spring is coming.

Life direction: rambling

I am slowly becoming aware of a growing reality for myself: I am developing an identity, a path.

I've spent the past several years feeling like play-dough: mushy, easily shaped and formed, not really with a definite form. The analogy in The Golden Compass of a child having a flexible and ever changing Daemon, and then as they grow older, it choosing to take shapes for longer, and longer, until it finally fixes on something is very appropriate. I've been shifting, never very sure where my feet are, but satisfied with the sensation of cruising along as I figure myself out.

I'm realizing now that there are definite formative traits to myself, things that I don't feel will easily change, and that I identify with every day, no matter what my mood or situation may be:

: I am a witch
: I am a survivor
: I am sensual
: Sex is lifeforce
: I am a preistess
: I connect to God by dancing

I am right now tangling with 14 scholarly articles about masculinity, gender roles, and the effect of a cultural environment on disclosure rates of male childhood sexual assault survivors. I enjoy these articles, despite the rather depressing topic, because I enjoy the growing sense of empathy, and here I am, writing a paper for a class about a topic I am passionate about in all aspects of my life: nurturing healthy sexuality. My world as a priestess and my world as a student are directly overlapping, and I couldn't be happier.

I feel that two very clear, very potent directions for my life energy are forming:
- As a priestess, a witch
- As a therapist, a guide
It is thrilling to feel a sense of direction, but terrifying to figure out if I have to choose between them, or if I can somehow incorporate both of my passions and do everything I want to do with my life.



... I think a lot of this is coming from the musings about what I'm going to do in a year, when I graduate. This seems a very healthy, growth-oriented train of thought. Back to paper writing!

Ostara Reflections

Spring is coming! Finally, I can taste on the air the anticipation of the change of seasons- warmer weather, softer breezes, new life, new change, growth. I feel it coming in myself, too: it has been a hard winter. It has been a long winter. It has been a cold winter. I am ready to move out of it.

Walking around, I can still see one or two trees that keep their old leaves from last year. I want to say to them, "let go! let go of your old leaves! Die a little, so you can grow!" I wonder what old leaves I still carry, what is left to shed before I can grow.

We had a false start to spring last week. I had a false start to spring last week. The air was fresher, the sun was out, finally I could sit outside comfortably. I was happy, finally, happy to a point that I felt at times my heart would come screaming out of my chest, leaping and dancing. I read rumi and understood exactly what he was talking about, everything was balanced and good- and then, everything shifted, and the snow started again.

Now, I'm waiting for spring again. I'm anticipating spring again. But this time, when the spring of my spiritual existence bursts forth in it's radiant, blossoming beauty, it will be sustainable, self-initiated, liberated spring. I can see it, and taste it, and feel it on the tips of my fingers... And that's what makes these last, dying days of winter so bearable, as I let go of those last few leaves, welcome that last little death, and surrender to change.

Appreciation Circle

It feels good to receive unguarded, unabashed, innocent compliments. It feels even better to give them. How often are our intentions for complimenting another human misinterpreted? How often are our intentions truly misguided? I am learning valuable things to translate into everyday life, as the path of a witch is not exclusively lived in circle, and I must be a priestess in all things I do:

: Know myself and all my parts.
: Walk in honesty
: Appreciate often
: Look people in the eye, speak clearly and firmly.