Consent

Yes:
Sober
Awake
Stated

No:
Inebriated
Sleeping
Assumed



... And several months of letters do NOT make for consent. The makings for a healthy sexual relationship do not start with one intoxicated partner, and one sober... I thought I was watching my glass, and only had two glasses, until I noticed him refilling it. I thought I was safe, in my house and room, with my trusted friend. I still can't sleep well, even after a month, I keep having nightmares of waking up again, on the brink of orgasm from stimulation, angry and violated.

The plan of action:
1) Therapist enlisted
2) Embracing of term and survivor mantle, AGAIN, done
3) Involve spiritual work in new healing
Next, I reach out to friends, talk to my mom, incorporate this into my Oct lecture, and maybe this time I can be strong enough to tell him that was not okay...

... Although I'm also burned that when I did say No to him, he called me "full of poison, a stupid scared little girl," among other things.



I am also heartily happy to have S, my mentors, a patient and sensitive lover, and friends and community. This won't be so bad, with time.

I hate this time of year

I love the spring, I love the sun, I love the fact that I can sit outside without freezing my arms off, and I love being able to walk and run again.

I hate finals, yes, and I hate the fact that every February/March, I am plagued with mysterious illness, depression, headaches, stomach aches, and my libido dies.

I finally did the math this year, in the doctors office as she noted on my charts, and realized that oh, yes, it was February that I was raped, and March that I terminated. How silly of me to forget the months, and displace them into November for some unknown reason. Every year for the past 7, I have been in and out of doctors offices around this time for the same set of concerns. I've missed classes, feared that I have ulcers, worried about the health of my brain as dizziness plagues me, and wondered if I'll ever feel happy again as the sun starts to shine and my spirit plummets.

I am strengthened by this realization of this association. Spring is coming.