Happiness is...

- a funny way of walking
- strawberry milkshakes
- shrieking as Dog jumps into bed at entirely the wrong moment
- checking the mailbox obsessively
- a hearty breakfast
- clean laundry
- all the stresses turning out okay
- eager anticipation of another 7am wakeup call
- Trillobytes!
- good health

Bonds of God-fire and of Need

For our lammas ritual today, we explored the Red God, the edge walker, the wielder of the blade that cuts our bindings, limits our expansion, brings our death. In circle, we tied all twenty of us together with twine, stretching against one another as we expanded and grew, finding our edges. And we cut away those bonds.

While many of the bonds I choose to cut away are somewhat private demons, I have many I chose to keep, and swore to do so in sacred space, and now in a more public domain:

- Bonds of affection and loyalty to my friends and family
- Bonds of honesty at all times
- Bonds to do what's right, even if it's not easy
- Bonds to my education
- Bonds to maintain good posture and speak clearly and loudly
- Bonds to make something of my life
- Bonds to improve the lives of my survivor sisters
- Bonds to my faith

Taking names, kicking ass

I'm back!

A summary of the past few days:

Thursday: A drive to Indiana.
Friday: Dropping my family off at the airport. Stupid, stupid TSA people telling me to move my car before I have the opportunity to hug my mother goodbye. Day of errands: Returned a cable box, sold the car, picked up the dog, washed some laundry, went to goodwill, stopped by the storage locker.
Saturday: Up at 7 to drive back to Michigan with Dog. Depositing dog at vets for kenneling, a day of cleaning.
Sunday: A day of rest. By rest, I mean, reading 150 pages in prep for an exam, cleaning more, helping housemate prepare loft area of house (installed shag carpeting, new table, lamp... failed to carry mini fridge up 16 foot ladder.. No beer on tiny loft, sadness). Beer.
Monday: A happy wakeup with a phone call from Korea. Argument with vet- they insist my mother did not want the dog sedated for staple removal. I know that she said exactly the opposite thing. I call US caretaker privileges and tell them to sedate her, because there's no way she'll sit still. My mother wonders how her words were twisted.
Today: An exam, followed by dog pickup and check into hotel. Appreciation of business king accommodations. Dog is high. Preparation to take her to obedience classes in a few hours.



.... I miss studying for the GREs, working in the lab, and sleep.

Fear

I keep having these amazing days, but then the night comes, and I am crippled with.. fear, lonliness, something. I've fought with this feeling for a while, feeling that it's completely uncalled for, that I am happier and luckier than many people, and shouldn't feel that way.

Anyways, tonight I finally hit on the why: On July 19th, my mother and brothers are going to get on a plane to Sweden, fly overseas, and move into the house my father just purchased in Mondal, outside of Gottensberg.

I talk to my mom every day. I visit my parents at least every other month, often once a month, even though it's a four hour drive away. I've lived away from home since I was 17, but I've always squeezed in visits as best I could. Once, last summer, I got REALLY sick, and my mom drove four hours in the middle of the night to come help me. I needed surgery, and spent a week at home, recovering.

I've never lived in Indiana, but I've been there so many times, it's home.

Now, they're moving. I'm starting to write out the papers that will designate a power of attorney and other such legalities, so that in the event of a sudden lapse into a coma or something, somebody who knows something about my desires can make my decisions. But I am plagued by the little things:
- If I get sick, I have to fix my own problems. No more mommy driving me to the hospital with an uncontrollable fever of 104, even though I seem to have that experience at least once a year.
- I will visit home once, maybe twice a year.
- I will not be able to call mom on my way to class. I'll have to skype her in the evenings, from home.
- My entire family is learning the Swedish language and culture, and experiencing a new culture.. Except me.
- No introducing the boyfriend to the parents, unless I'm about to marry him or something, because introducing the boyfriend will entail an overseas flight.
- I handle almost all of my finances, etc, but mom and dad still help me by renewing my health and auto insurance, and taking care of my paperwork, etc. No longer.

My dad told me once that nobody will ever love you as much as your parents. I can't decide if this was a harsh and painful truth, or a falsehood that has left me heavy scars. I can't say how much I pray for the latter, but I often feel that the first is true, no matter how much I want to believe otherwise.

"And you know for a million years, he has been your lover,"

I went to bed with a smile on my lips last night, for.. well, for a particular reason, but one I'm not quite ready to blog about.

I dreamed all night of goat hooved pan, and woke up with his woody scent on my pillows again. I cast aside my original morning plans, and spent two hours alternating between dancing, meditating, and writing poetry.

Today will be a good day, I think.

Scripts

First, you have the coy pre-kiss flirtation dance, and then the kissing. Followed by petting, then explorations under the clothes, then the first tentative reaches to the genitalia. Then, your mouth roams, and eventually nudity and penetrative sex happen.

It really confuses people if you mess with the first part of the script and say "no kissing!"


... I just don't want the mouth herpes. Or the sensation of being soul naked, which is what kissing does to me. Is that so wrong?