TFA! TFA!

I had my phone interview today!! I think I rocked it! I'm so excited, but also very sleepy, so I'll chatter more on this later...

TFA! TFA!

In less than half an hour, I will discover if I have been asked back for an interview..... I AM SO NERVOUS!!

In other news, I am in a good mood today... Eating every hour quickly became habit, and I actually was able to focus and have energy- Yay!

Oh, Oops.

Hmmm, I went to see a therapist today, for many reasons. The most prominent issue, though, is that I can't stop sleeping. I want to sleep all the time. This is weird for me. I usually sleep 7 hours a night, but lately I've wanted 15+.. And school is suffering. Also, food has become repulsive to me. I realized that I haven't eaten lately- the only times I eat is when I'm going through the social motions, and eating because it's what I'm supposed to do in given company, not because I'm hungry. Everything is gross, except bacon.

The wise and observant therapist asked what I ate yesterday. "Two handfuls of almonds, an egg, and some pickles. Oh, and a glass of soymilk." This morning, I tried to eat a whole PB&J and almost lost my stomach.

.... Oh, maybe that's why I'm exhausted and can't focus.

So now I have this very interesting behavior I'm supposed to be cultivating: Every hour, on the hour, while I'm awake, I'm supposed to eat something. Right now I'm having my 5pm snack of half of a small container of naked juice. I don't want it.

He is sure that within a week, my metabolism will speed back up, I'll be sleeping less, and able to focus again. Won't that be nice.

Feelin' Good.

I am happy to discover that happiness can also taste like apple dumplings, or feel like clean biting air, or smell like wet grass, or look like stars. I am happy to learn that a well placed, "I love you," can ease my fear of those very words.

I am happy to study until my brain hurts, grumbling about eye structure as he grumbles about chemical structure, and I'm even happier when, twenty minutes later, clothing joins the abandoned note cards on the floor and, thirty minutes later, we're studying again, only naked and smiling.

I suppose I should back up and explain: Three months ago, before any of the romantic letter affections began with McAsshole, when I was still avidly avoiding relationships, I stumbled into Zagref at a potluck. I made it clear I was avoiding relationships, and we set a break up date for August 8th. Shortly thereafter, long distance affection based on a single memory and "logic" began with McAsshole. Zagref and I "ended" on the 8th, but failed miserably at being platonic. After what I have lovingly renamed "my two days of personal hell," with McAsshole, I drove over to Zagref's house and cried against him as he, probably quite confused, held me.

And, I'm an idiot, and failed to notice that I was so caught up in trying to use "logic" that I'd missed the simple fact that Zagref takes away my breath, in the best of ways, and is an incredible person. I think I fell in love because I was trying so hard not to, and I stumbled into a relationship because we started without the heavy expectations relationships often carry.

I'm loving with my eyes wide open. And I am so happy.

Weather

Holy crap, it's beautiful outside.

I am going to study in the park. Yeah.

Consent

Yes:
Sober
Awake
Stated

No:
Inebriated
Sleeping
Assumed



... And several months of letters do NOT make for consent. The makings for a healthy sexual relationship do not start with one intoxicated partner, and one sober... I thought I was watching my glass, and only had two glasses, until I noticed him refilling it. I thought I was safe, in my house and room, with my trusted friend. I still can't sleep well, even after a month, I keep having nightmares of waking up again, on the brink of orgasm from stimulation, angry and violated.

The plan of action:
1) Therapist enlisted
2) Embracing of term and survivor mantle, AGAIN, done
3) Involve spiritual work in new healing
Next, I reach out to friends, talk to my mom, incorporate this into my Oct lecture, and maybe this time I can be strong enough to tell him that was not okay...

... Although I'm also burned that when I did say No to him, he called me "full of poison, a stupid scared little girl," among other things.



I am also heartily happy to have S, my mentors, a patient and sensitive lover, and friends and community. This won't be so bad, with time.

Sex is complicated

So is cognitive psychology.

Hello hello

While walking out of my Women's Studies class:
A: Classmate in another class with about 20 people in it that lasts 3 hours.
J: Classmate from last year that I can never remember.

Me: Hi, I'm Irisi, good to meet you!
A: We had class together yesterday.
J: She's terrible at remembering people.
Me: Yes, I am.
J: Just yesterday, she completely forgot who I was.
Me: Yes, I did. And so he beat me.
J: Mercilessly. With a paddle.
Me: Oooo! I mean.. Wait, do I know you?