Fear

I keep having these amazing days, but then the night comes, and I am crippled with.. fear, lonliness, something. I've fought with this feeling for a while, feeling that it's completely uncalled for, that I am happier and luckier than many people, and shouldn't feel that way.

Anyways, tonight I finally hit on the why: On July 19th, my mother and brothers are going to get on a plane to Sweden, fly overseas, and move into the house my father just purchased in Mondal, outside of Gottensberg.

I talk to my mom every day. I visit my parents at least every other month, often once a month, even though it's a four hour drive away. I've lived away from home since I was 17, but I've always squeezed in visits as best I could. Once, last summer, I got REALLY sick, and my mom drove four hours in the middle of the night to come help me. I needed surgery, and spent a week at home, recovering.

I've never lived in Indiana, but I've been there so many times, it's home.

Now, they're moving. I'm starting to write out the papers that will designate a power of attorney and other such legalities, so that in the event of a sudden lapse into a coma or something, somebody who knows something about my desires can make my decisions. But I am plagued by the little things:
- If I get sick, I have to fix my own problems. No more mommy driving me to the hospital with an uncontrollable fever of 104, even though I seem to have that experience at least once a year.
- I will visit home once, maybe twice a year.
- I will not be able to call mom on my way to class. I'll have to skype her in the evenings, from home.
- My entire family is learning the Swedish language and culture, and experiencing a new culture.. Except me.
- No introducing the boyfriend to the parents, unless I'm about to marry him or something, because introducing the boyfriend will entail an overseas flight.
- I handle almost all of my finances, etc, but mom and dad still help me by renewing my health and auto insurance, and taking care of my paperwork, etc. No longer.

My dad told me once that nobody will ever love you as much as your parents. I can't decide if this was a harsh and painful truth, or a falsehood that has left me heavy scars. I can't say how much I pray for the latter, but I often feel that the first is true, no matter how much I want to believe otherwise.