Migration

It seems like a lot of my friends are on livejournal.

More importantly, I'm tired of censoring myself by only having the option of a public or friends only blog, and I want to use the friend locking feature of livejournal to write more personal things.

So, I'm leaving you, blogger. It's been a good run. I might be back, like an old lover, to reminisce sweetly about past times. But we're through.

If you want to keep reading about my adventures (my noble crowd of.. 2 readers.. or something), you can go over here:

http://ckirisi.livejournal.com/

Please be forewarned that all the juicy stuff is f-locked.

Kisses,

~ Me

It's beginning to look a lot like christmas...

I walked into meijers yesterday, to hear holiday songs blaring on the radio. It snowed today, a thin blanket of the white and fluffy, and instantly half my friends changed their facebook statuses to something regarding the upcoming holiday season. There are commercials on the TV for decorations, presents, etc. The neighbors put up lights.

It's not even thanksgiving yet, but I feel that christmas spirit in the air, the one I look forward to every year, I excitedly make lists of things to make for people and cards to send out, I decorate the house with reckless abandon....



... But not this year.

This year, I already have the feeling like I want to punch the next santa-suited individual I see walking around. I have an urge to yell loud enough to drown out stupid carols. I want to set the wrapping paper section at meijers on fire. I can't even find in myself enough holiday spirit to cut paper into visually pleasing shapes to mail to my loved ones eventually. Heaven forbid I think about christmas shopping, the idea repulses me.

At the same time, I have a strange yearning for thanksgiving- thanksgiving! The holiday I was usually nonchalant about, if not a little wary of. My mother, after cooking all day and chasing around my brother, would be a little emotional, my other little brother would usually pick that day to have a temper tantrum about something, my dad would either be distant and upsetting (emotional) mom by avoiding the family, or half setting the house on fire trying to use a turkey baster, and I'd be simultaniously avoiding everybody, and trying to help in the kitchen. Last year, I started bossing everybody around- assigning my tantruming brother to set the table, taking my autistic brother and making dad play with him, and helping mom cook. Thanksgiving is a lot of emotional work.

And yet,I'm pining for it. I'm pining for family arguments, garlic yams, autistic kids who won't stay put at the table, and eating leftovers for weeks until I might be sick if I look at another serving of stuffing. Perhaps it's because this will be the first year, in my megar existance on this planet, that I will not be with my family for it. My immediate family is in Sweden, and the rest are in Greece or California.


This is strange, this holiday season. It seems that the difficulties of living overseas from my immediate family (whom I used to talk to every day), the fears I have with transitioning out of undergrad and into - Goddess knows what - and my changing definitions of family and home are all interacting to make me an anti-Santa, pro-Turkey crazy person.


I still haven't decided what I'm doing for Thanksgiving. Staying at home and eating chinese food is looking more and more tempting, because I think I'm going to be depressed one way or another, and may as well not drag other people down with me..

Sad Kitty

I had to have Magic declawed. It goes against all my personal morals and principals, but she is too shred happy.

Now she's wandering around the house, wearing a lampshade looking thing on her head, drugged up and walking into walls. It's horribly cute and kind of meanly funny, but I also feel really terrible for having to have this elective surgery done :(

My Secret Talent:

Fucking everything up.

News:

The Good News: My uterus is not falling out.
The Bad News: It sure feels like it is.
The Yet-To-Be-Decided News: In less than 24 hours, we'll know who the next president will be.

Ethics

Sometimes I wonder if it's so wrong to put my cats into jingly-bell minstrel costumes to make my housemate feel happier.

..... But it's so damn cute....

A meme I meant to post a long time ago..

Stolen from blue_sky_48220 on livejournal.

Sarah Palin married her high school boyfriend, Todd Palin, on August 29, 1988. The Palin family lives in Wasilla, about 45 miles (72 km) north of Anchorage. The Palins have two sons (Track, 19, and Trig, four months) and three daughters (Bristol, 17; Willow, 14; and Piper, 7) [ages as of August 2008]. Todd Palin has said Track's name came from the interest Sarah's parents had in the sport and the fact that he was born in the sport's season; Bristol was named after Bristol Bay in Alaska, where Todd grew up and where he does commercial fishing; Willow was named after Willow, Alaska; Piper got her name because it is uncommon and "a cool name"; Trig's name is Norse for "strength".

1)Your first-born will be named after your parents favorite sport:
Jogging.


2)Your second-born will be named after a nearby area that you're not from but you like the sound of part of the name, and maybe you have nostalgic memories of said place:
Cape Cod.


3)Your third-born will be named after another nearby place, for no reason other than you already have two children and don't have time to put much thought into another name:
Ypsilanti.


4)Your fourth gets a "cool" name:
Dash.

5)Your fifth gets something mythological, possibly straight out of Lord of the Rings:
Goliath.

Fibroids

I'm going to kick some long dead member of my maternal family line's ass if I have one. Watch out, here comes 'roid rage Irisi..

Emo

I feel like life comes in little spurts of crazy. As a result, I've lost grip of just how stressed out I am, I seem to have two states of being:

Mellow: It's all gravy, it'll all work out, I'm happy, my life is moving forward, I will soon have the chance to pursue all my dreams, I have such a strong network of friends, I have a happy and healthy relationship, I just cooked some delicious chili.

Crazy: Holy shit, I'm graduating and have no idea what I'm doing with my life, my parents live in Sweden and never reply to my emails, I'm going to end up homeless with a piece of paper from U of M that says I know something, all my friends are moving and I probably will be as well, my personal spiritual practice is in shambles, I don't have enough hours in the day.

Most importantly, I feel like I'm hitting a brick wall repeatedly whenever I try to get schoolwork done. My therapist calls this 'burnout,' aka 'senioritis.'

Right now, I'm writing in my blog instead of working on Greek and Psych. And I spent all day working (unsuccessfully) on my Curriculum Vitae and Statement of Purpose, to avoid Greek and Psych.

I am living in a paradox of happy and calm and crazed and stressed and a whirlwind of changes... Is this how everybody feels when they realize that they're going to graduate soon?



PS I failed to mention that TFA rejected me. I don't really want to talk about it. Jerks.

Cats

I am going to declaw my cat Magic, with my bare hands.

Not really.

I get SO frustrated when she decides to claw the carpets, despite people yelling at her in three different languages to stop it, being sprayed with water, loud noises, etc etc... I clip her nails weekly, and tried claw caps, but she just chews them off. I want to convey to her that the caps are to prevent a painful surgery in which the tips of her bones will be cut off, but she just doesn't get it and keeps on destroying things.

I have huge moral compunctions regarding declawing cats, but I also have a big problem with my carpet being shredded and all of my security deposits forever going to feed my cat's addiction.

ARG.

TFA! TFA!

I had my phone interview today!! I think I rocked it! I'm so excited, but also very sleepy, so I'll chatter more on this later...

TFA! TFA!

In less than half an hour, I will discover if I have been asked back for an interview..... I AM SO NERVOUS!!

In other news, I am in a good mood today... Eating every hour quickly became habit, and I actually was able to focus and have energy- Yay!

Oh, Oops.

Hmmm, I went to see a therapist today, for many reasons. The most prominent issue, though, is that I can't stop sleeping. I want to sleep all the time. This is weird for me. I usually sleep 7 hours a night, but lately I've wanted 15+.. And school is suffering. Also, food has become repulsive to me. I realized that I haven't eaten lately- the only times I eat is when I'm going through the social motions, and eating because it's what I'm supposed to do in given company, not because I'm hungry. Everything is gross, except bacon.

The wise and observant therapist asked what I ate yesterday. "Two handfuls of almonds, an egg, and some pickles. Oh, and a glass of soymilk." This morning, I tried to eat a whole PB&J and almost lost my stomach.

.... Oh, maybe that's why I'm exhausted and can't focus.

So now I have this very interesting behavior I'm supposed to be cultivating: Every hour, on the hour, while I'm awake, I'm supposed to eat something. Right now I'm having my 5pm snack of half of a small container of naked juice. I don't want it.

He is sure that within a week, my metabolism will speed back up, I'll be sleeping less, and able to focus again. Won't that be nice.

Feelin' Good.

I am happy to discover that happiness can also taste like apple dumplings, or feel like clean biting air, or smell like wet grass, or look like stars. I am happy to learn that a well placed, "I love you," can ease my fear of those very words.

I am happy to study until my brain hurts, grumbling about eye structure as he grumbles about chemical structure, and I'm even happier when, twenty minutes later, clothing joins the abandoned note cards on the floor and, thirty minutes later, we're studying again, only naked and smiling.

I suppose I should back up and explain: Three months ago, before any of the romantic letter affections began with McAsshole, when I was still avidly avoiding relationships, I stumbled into Zagref at a potluck. I made it clear I was avoiding relationships, and we set a break up date for August 8th. Shortly thereafter, long distance affection based on a single memory and "logic" began with McAsshole. Zagref and I "ended" on the 8th, but failed miserably at being platonic. After what I have lovingly renamed "my two days of personal hell," with McAsshole, I drove over to Zagref's house and cried against him as he, probably quite confused, held me.

And, I'm an idiot, and failed to notice that I was so caught up in trying to use "logic" that I'd missed the simple fact that Zagref takes away my breath, in the best of ways, and is an incredible person. I think I fell in love because I was trying so hard not to, and I stumbled into a relationship because we started without the heavy expectations relationships often carry.

I'm loving with my eyes wide open. And I am so happy.

Weather

Holy crap, it's beautiful outside.

I am going to study in the park. Yeah.

Consent

Yes:
Sober
Awake
Stated

No:
Inebriated
Sleeping
Assumed



... And several months of letters do NOT make for consent. The makings for a healthy sexual relationship do not start with one intoxicated partner, and one sober... I thought I was watching my glass, and only had two glasses, until I noticed him refilling it. I thought I was safe, in my house and room, with my trusted friend. I still can't sleep well, even after a month, I keep having nightmares of waking up again, on the brink of orgasm from stimulation, angry and violated.

The plan of action:
1) Therapist enlisted
2) Embracing of term and survivor mantle, AGAIN, done
3) Involve spiritual work in new healing
Next, I reach out to friends, talk to my mom, incorporate this into my Oct lecture, and maybe this time I can be strong enough to tell him that was not okay...

... Although I'm also burned that when I did say No to him, he called me "full of poison, a stupid scared little girl," among other things.



I am also heartily happy to have S, my mentors, a patient and sensitive lover, and friends and community. This won't be so bad, with time.

Sex is complicated

So is cognitive psychology.

Hello hello

While walking out of my Women's Studies class:
A: Classmate in another class with about 20 people in it that lasts 3 hours.
J: Classmate from last year that I can never remember.

Me: Hi, I'm Irisi, good to meet you!
A: We had class together yesterday.
J: She's terrible at remembering people.
Me: Yes, I am.
J: Just yesterday, she completely forgot who I was.
Me: Yes, I did. And so he beat me.
J: Mercilessly. With a paddle.
Me: Oooo! I mean.. Wait, do I know you?

Monogamy

The practice of having sex with only one partner.
www.webmd.com/sexual-conditions/sexual-health-glossary

A closed two person hetro relationship, may be the result of an informed mutual agreement or from not understanding that there are viable options.
www.familysynergy.org/art-poly.html

Definition: A private sexual relationship stuck between two individuals.
www.sextermsdictionary.com/m-sexual-terms-and-definitions.htm

The mating of one person with another individual with neither engaging in sexual activity with anyone else.
www.sexualcounselling.com/Glossary/Glossarym.htm



... The question is, what exactly does it mean to me? More importantly, does it matter to me? And how do I negotiate boundaries if I choose a lifestyle outside of this social norm?

The truth is, I don't think I like monogamy, or think that it's natural, or healthy sometimes. There's a difference between being scared of something, and simply disagreeing with something on principal. I'm scared of monogamy because I don't think I'll be happy with it.

My first try at a triad relationship several years ago was a terrible mistake. I'm scared that my opinions and lifestyle will ultimately lead to the fall of a relationship I want so badly to make work.

Layout

I'm stealing lea's template, but I'm tired of having the emo kid blog and this is the only other decent template to use... Sorry! ;)